In My Living Room

I’m angry, sad and touched with self-pity.  None of these emotions were invited over, but the only way I know how to kick them out is to acknowledge their presence in my living room and shake hands with each.  It just doesn’t work for me to ignore them.  So here goes.

I keep waiting for the joy to return, now that Sifu has declared a restart to our relationship.  But I’m realizing that the joy I used to feel upon merely walking into the building is conditional.  It was based on love and freedom.  I currently lack both.

I don’t have the warmth and affection from my students anymore, because they’re no longer mine.  Aside from the ones who were promoted at testing last week, I haven’t even seen them.  I miss being around them.  The earnestness and energy of little kids trying not to fall down or look goofy while working hard to perfect a move – to say nothing of their happiness at a job well done – can keep my heart warm for days on end.  For now, that’s gone.

So is freedom.  Not just to practice any form when and where there’s space to do it, but the freedom to just be, without walking on eggshells, without worrying that any gesture or lack thereof will be considered disrespectful.

This too shall pass, I know.  But in the meantime, I’m a bit chafed about what’s been lost, what feels taken.

I’ve been sure to be quiet about this in the guan.  I’ve only let the feelings hang around in the safety of my living room.

So, that’s that.  Handshakes given.  Now, I can send them on their way.

About T. D. Davis

Baker and former journalist. View all posts by T. D. Davis

4 responses to “In My Living Room

  • Jase

    AhH man, this sucks. IF I could send you money to open your club, I would. You need to be teaching and training and smiling. Thinking of you.

    • T. D. Davis

      Jase, my friend, there you are! I was wondering if you’ve been following this 10-day-old drama of mine. Thanks for the good wishes. I’m going to go check out one of the neighborhood gyms tonight to see if their personal trainer rooms would work for my training – and perhaps offering classes there. At the moment, they offer no martial arts. It might be a good way to get my own club started with minimal overhead. I’ll keep you posted. Best to you.

      • Jase

        Yes, though have been slow to comment, as busy at work. Some of my friends train in a squash court when they are short of space – depends how flexible the owners are I guess – if you have a club with 4 people in, I guess a squash court isn’t too bad, but any more, and maybe you need a badminton court…sounds like a good plan if they don’t offer anything, quite likely they will be helpful with marketing and so forth. Keep us all posted!

      • T. D. Davis

        Would you mind emailing me, so I can get your take on things outside of public consumption?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: